Am I Sexy ?

       Ever since I've became aware about my sexuality . the first thing I wanted to do is looking for the "Man of my Life" , which is hard considerably I was really young in my teen years , boys my age back then they didn't want to be in a relationship , not only with one guy at least . as a Taurus I am a stubborn person and I believed that if I searched really hard and worked on it I will get the guy that I always wanted and pictured in my world I created before I sleep to bed every night , what I didn't expect back then is that looks mattered A LOT for a guy with my preferences , I was expected to be very much different that I am .

In Iraq - Baghdad , there was certain expectation for young guys like me and how to be , they always must have hairless body type and have distinguishing looks like colored eyes and Caucasian skin  , obviously I wasn't that type of boy and that made it hard for me to keep up a conversation with someone who already passed a judgment about me that I am not attractive to him or I don't fit the "Norm" type , I always been a huge people pleaser and get upset and hurt when someone didn't like me and I be like " wait it's just because you didn't know me you just need to know me to like me " and it turns out to be a giant waste of time 😅

This made my " Inner critic " gain his strength that I am not good looking enough and I will never be like those twink boys with the blond hair and the hazel eyes and every time I look at the mirror I hate my body and hate the way I look , I lived in anxiety hell because I had no friends I can open up to and at least take advice from , thus letting me do foolish stuff to satisfy the crowd by shaving up my body :) , which is a secret I intended to take it to the grave 😅 , I tried to change to fit it I had to change to fit in and unsurprisingly It worked ,  I had a date and it got me to continue until he saw me for who I am and had 2 years of a relationship , my relationship ended up on not so good terms and it wasn't body hair related so I am in peace with that .

as I grown older I found out about a gay community called the bear community , they welcomed the idea of people with high testosterone level with hairy bodies and manly looking bottoms as well , I was more than happy to find such people and that they exist , which opened my eyes around me that  the views for young guys and especially bottoms changed , everyone welcomed the idea of body hair and more local looking faces and more importantly most of them wanted to settle down with "The one" , as I remember my teenage years and the struggle of my love life it got me surprised how time and people perspective change  all of a sudden ! , even though most of them were actually into one night stands but I didn't care , now I don't have to fit in and I just can be me , it made me have friends and for once it wasn't about body types at all . I was happy .

I was called sexy ! Imagine that ! me ! sexy ! it really boosted my confident up to the skies !

as I'm writing down this and remembering the things I did for the sake of fitting in , it all felt a little bitter  , I think it's my poor of awareness and judgment that made me change,  what I thought it was a curse but on the contrary it made me special , just to fit into the eyes of guys who aren't really into who I am , change is good but there has to be limits when it comes to the way you actually look , I was trying to draw the attention from the wrong crowd while there were other crowed cheering for me to be as me as I can be .

as heartwarming as it sounds it made me more creative , more self comfortable to the point of self satisfaction that I am sexy without the need of hearing it from other people and that I am lovable , it sounds cheesy but it meant a lot for me to reach to that point which I never knew I would reach ,this is who I am and I love who I am ,  now every time I look at the mirror or my phone's front camera I see myself as good looking hot mess guy 😂  and I'm sure you look as sexy too hot reader 😉 . 

Vulnerable

      Being vulnerable is hard , it's like giving the others your weak points and expose every dark spot you constantly tried to hide in your life to someone else , but in the same time , I love being vulnerable , it creates deeper connection with your partner or a friend , which something I think everyone should have , from what I learned living as introvert , you should always have someone to talk to , being alone is too lonely to the unbearable point , thanks to social anxiety , this isn't easy to surpass it , 3 days ago , I sat down with my dearest guy M , he told me that he always talk and share everything with me but , I don't , he asked me why am I not being more open ? , I didn't know what to reply , I've always been this listener because I believe the more I listen to people the more I learn from their experience , I think that what made me weak in expressing myself whenever I have something I want to talk about , I told him it's not personal at all , It's just me being me , too introvert to function 😅 ,  with my past filled with social anxiety in school and life events , made me feel it's better just not talk to people about me and listen to them to make friends :) , being social wasn't my strong suit , when there is a party going on or a social event , I lean away from it , even when I gather my courage and decide that I'm gonna enter and be social and meet new people , I have inside screams and run away 😅😂 , but I can justify that ! , the concept of partying isn't for me , I think I'm selective in these issues and love to surround myself with people that I like only  ,but still sometimes you feel that you have to do so and face your social fears and just go for it ,just like an adventure ! , what helped me the most that these people gonna see me only once and they gonna forget all about me the next day , so it's all good ! , it's a new idea of mine which it's going to pave the way for me to start to be vulnerable and open up to the ones that I love , I know it may will have some draw backs for me especially in a community like the enclosed LGBT where you can get under a magnifying glass and get judged , although i think it's freeing to be open and as weird as i can freely be , who knows ? it can save me days from overthinking about my insecurities and just be me :) .

also I wanna thank  https://www.facebook.com/MeeM82/  for creating such painting ! check his page out ! for art lovers :) 

What Makes them Beautiful .

ever since I started to get out of my shell and decided to meet new people around Amman , I met a nice guy through grindr app , We started to hang out more and more , to the point where I got to meet his friends , one of the late nights when there was the 3 of us , and we had this discussion about types of people we went out with in the past , "H" said he only went out with 1 type of men , muscular, older , bearded and only foreign , he mentioned that he likes to keep his "record clean " , "M" preferred older guys with big chest , they both never dated outside of this type because they explained they never take interest of any other , which i respectably understand , for me  , when I look back to my past relationships trail , I found them varied , I know everyone has this one type that makes him like Mr.Perfect in every gay guy's mind , I have that as well , but It was funny how was my own "record " was versatile (in a body figure way)  , I dated the twink , the bear , the dark skinned , the light skinned , the muscular , the older , I couldn't figure out what was the thing those guys had in common , tunes out , the way they talked to me , their manner , their character overall , I think it's something that is beyond the looks for me , "H" thought it's too cheesy to think of it this way , he was convinced that any gay relationship is based on how someone is hot , the way they dress , the way their body is build , nothing to do with the character . that's why in reality , most relationships are open ones .
I understand that most of the guys can be as open minded about that , for me I don't think I can see that in the long run , I am hopeless romantic and I'm ok with it , so I don't think relationships should be always based on the perfect look of the guy , it sounds to me more of lust that an actual love relationship , What I learned is I should see everyone with my own eyes and my own heart , to me everyone has his own handsomeness and look ,  the way people look is like a vessel to me , what lies beneath is the important part , the character , the soul ,  once you find that someone , he will be the sexiest guy you ever been with , because your heart will be attracted to him , no matter how he look , a twink , a bear , a muscular, older or younger , even when you used to set your mind on one type and that's who you think you will want him as your boyfriend and no other , it wont matter , be with the person who you think you can stay with him under the same roof without thinking you made the bad decision , someone who you can be as awkward and he can be as understanding , even when you play too much video game 😇"gaymer here " , that's what I think what makes them beautiful . 

A New Year

A New Year

 

   I've been always told that traveling alone can cause all kinds of homesick , you miss your old life , your friends , your own room , even the most hated things for you back in your home will be missed the most to you , the sense of belong will come up for you and make you see that there is no place like home , The thing is , I never felt I belong there , It's more than just the old culture that I am forced to follow , or the judgemental society that I grew old with , It's the feeling of being trapped in the a pit that you continuously being convinced it's your home and your life till the day you pass away from this world , after I finished my college years , I felt it's time for me to listen to me , not minding any rules that it doesn't make any sense to me , I stopped being  propulsive as it was a new thing for me to do in 2017 , I felt less restrained , that action got me into many decisions , many choices , penalties , eventually , a path of leaving my own country Iraq to another country Jordan , I still remember the steps that I took in and out the airbus airplane , I felt I was driven and guided to a safer place , It was my first time ever to fly , not to mention the first time ever to leave my country . 

  As I reached my apartment , I felt a heavy burden fall off my shoulders , like a bird set free , even when I registered to the UNHCR and have been told it is just the beginning to a difficult life for me , but I never felt more free , I felt I can do many things I dreamed to do when I was forbidden to do them back home ,  I ran all around the country and explored so many sites that I never knew I would see , like a bird just learned how to fly .

  I was mesmerized by all the new things that I am experiencing , until I start to face the difficulties that I have been warned about , I worked hard daily to find a good LGBT organization to adopt me and put me under its wing for a safer home , where no one can harm me anymore , most of the answers were they couldn't help me as I am not in their country to get any legal help , despite of the hardship almost to the impossibility of having a visa to such countries like the USA or such for an Iraqi refuge seeker , other Canadian LGBT organizations referred me to one another until I reached the American IRAP  , an legal help offering organization that offer legal advice , when to be honest I don't want to put high hopes in , the hardship that I am facing here is catching on , not the homesick , it's the society still , jobs of degree are not given to non of this country , the circle of people that I trust getting smaller by the month , I can't afford to lose safety here despite of how little it is  , I still have nightmares of me dragged down back to my home back in my country , I have had my share of sleepless nights .

  But still I didn't give up , I enrolled into an online university and studying more about my computer engineering degree , finding a better place to live in till i hear back from IRAP , the UNHCR and other LGBT organizations , with all the freedom that i gained , I feel more controlling of my life , I can choose what to do , how to feel and most importantly , how to live , I know after all this hardship , the hard work won't be in vain , 2017 was a life changing for me , first airplane , first outside country , I even got to swim in my first salt waters of Aqaba gulf :) , It will never leave my memory ,  I will always look forward , until I reach that safer place to begin my life , a life where I truly belong to , in a place where i can call it home and feel homesick to whenever I am away from .

.....................Roses of Andalusia...............

Roses of Andalusia

in the ancient times of the new religion dawn

Where the green wet herbs meets with the desert sand gold

When love was spoken by one language and in poems

There was the story of the love of two young hearts was born

 Of two young men under the palms trees enfold

The love of their two hearts was breaking through their homelands laws

Even they were surrounded by the hatred claws

By the blood of their wrists  they had sworn

No matter where they lived or what they witness ,, to each other they belong

Until the end of their time ,, with each other in the other life they ll go

As they swear on the name of all kind of love and the right to love

The white roses of Andalusia turned red and glowed

Spreading all the world giving new name for love in the times ago

to be messages to all humans who gave love to past time to go

that no matter what you face or what you hear or where you live

eventually and more   definitely near your roses of Andalusia

you will have your mate in soul 

.............Friends Like Sand..........

Friends like Sand

Day by day. My time passes by

Lessons I learn . and lessons I pass by

Meet People born ..say good bye when  people die

Face my life teacher … with my Arabian eyes

Still standing tall.. strong with my head up to the  pure blue sky

As the night comes to this closed  suppressed world … staying awake telling it how life was when I was in the brighten light

Smiling .crying ..it all like the same … when you feel all who you love left you bone dry

It all alright when the moon is full .. and those starry friends all around it upon that dark sky

Reminding of what you appreciate in life .. that group of people who trust won t leave your side

Feels like that strong ground you walk on it … covered with that smooth green grass that no one can raise it or buy

What I know is Friends like sand .. soft and strong never leave your side and make your life green garden and spirit high 

..........Open Doors.........

Life is all about Doors ….. Leading the soul to the next chapter

Crossing these lines... were all about change

Changing the way our life used to be

Changing our thoughts …. Our Believes …. Our destiny … ourselves

That’s what we all here … in this misunderstood world …. To change

The only way for your desire... your dreams … is to open these doors … to make you see what you want to change and what your soul want to see

To run away from all the hatred you lived in …, searching to find the one who accept you, just the way you choose to remain, the way you born to be

You put all your hopes...all your faith in these Doors …regardless of your believes of life, just to have this taste of what the better world could be

Forgetting all the rules and roots, to start a new way .right behind these doors

Because, we all need to change, we all will pass these Open Doors