A New Year

A New Year

 

   I've been always told that traveling alone can cause all kinds of homesick , you miss your old life , your friends , your own room , even the most hated things for you back in your home will be missed the most to you , the sense of belong will come up for you and make you see that there is no place like home , The thing is , I never felt I belong there , It's more than just the old culture that I am forced to follow , or the judgemental society that I grew old with , It's the feeling of being trapped in the a pit that you continuously being convinced it's your home and your life till the day you pass away from this world , after I finished my college years , I felt it's time for me to listen to me , not minding any rules that it doesn't make any sense to me , I stopped being  propulsive as it was a new thing for me to do in 2017 , I felt less restrained , that action got me into many decisions , many choices , penalties , eventually , a path of leaving my own country Iraq to another country Jordan , I still remember the steps that I took in and out the airbus airplane , I felt I was driven and guided to a safer place , It was my first time ever to fly , not to mention the first time ever to leave my country . 

  As I reached my apartment , I felt a heavy burden fall off my shoulders , like a bird set free , even when I registered to the UNHCR and have been told it is just the beginning to a difficult life for me , but I never felt more free , I felt I can do many things I dreamed to do when I was forbidden to do them back home ,  I ran all around the country and explored so many sites that I never knew I would see , like a bird just learned how to fly .

  I was mesmerized by all the new things that I am experiencing , until I start to face the difficulties that I have been warned about , I worked hard daily to find a good LGBT organization to adopt me and put me under its wing for a safer home , where no one can harm me anymore , most of the answers were they couldn't help me as I am not in their country to get any legal help , despite of the hardship almost to the impossibility of having a visa to such countries like the USA or such for an Iraqi refuge seeker , other Canadian LGBT organizations referred me to one another until I reached the American IRAP  , an legal help offering organization that offer legal advice , when to be honest I don't want to put high hopes in , the hardship that I am facing here is catching on , not the homesick , it's the society still , jobs of degree are not given to non of this country , the circle of people that I trust getting smaller by the month , I can't afford to lose safety here despite of how little it is  , I still have nightmares of me dragged down back to my home back in my country , I have had my share of sleepless nights .

  But still I didn't give up , I enrolled into an online university and studying more about my computer engineering degree , finding a better place to live in till i hear back from IRAP , the UNHCR and other LGBT organizations , with all the freedom that i gained , I feel more controlling of my life , I can choose what to do , how to feel and most importantly , how to live , I know after all this hardship , the hard work won't be in vain , 2017 was a life changing for me , first airplane , first outside country , I even got to swim in my first salt waters of Aqaba gulf :) , It will never leave my memory ,  I will always look forward , until I reach that safer place to begin my life , a life where I truly belong to , in a place where i can call it home and feel homesick to whenever I am away from .