Am I Sexy ?

       Ever since I've became aware about my sexuality . the first thing I wanted to do is looking for the "Man of my Life" , which is hard considerably I was really young in my teen years , boys my age back then they didn't want to be in a relationship , not only with one guy at least . as a Taurus I am a stubborn person and I believed that if I searched really hard and worked on it I will get the guy that I always wanted and pictured in my world I created before I sleep to bed every night , what I didn't expect back then is that looks mattered A LOT for a guy with my preferences , I was expected to be very much different that I am .

In Iraq - Baghdad , there was certain expectation for young guys like me and how to be , they always must have hairless body type and have distinguishing looks like colored eyes and Caucasian skin  , obviously I wasn't that type of boy and that made it hard for me to keep up a conversation with someone who already passed a judgment about me that I am not attractive to him or I don't fit the "Norm" type , I always been a huge people pleaser and get upset and hurt when someone didn't like me and I be like " wait it's just because you didn't know me you just need to know me to like me " and it turns out to be a giant waste of time 😅

This made my " Inner critic " gain his strength that I am not good looking enough and I will never be like those twink boys with the blond hair and the hazel eyes and every time I look at the mirror I hate my body and hate the way I look , I lived in anxiety hell because I had no friends I can open up to and at least take advice from , thus letting me do foolish stuff to satisfy the crowd by shaving up my body :) , which is a secret I intended to take it to the grave 😅 , I tried to change to fit it I had to change to fit in and unsurprisingly It worked ,  I had a date and it got me to continue until he saw me for who I am and had 2 years of a relationship , my relationship ended up on not so good terms and it wasn't body hair related so I am in peace with that .

as I grown older I found out about a gay community called the bear community , they welcomed the idea of people with high testosterone level with hairy bodies and manly looking bottoms as well , I was more than happy to find such people and that they exist , which opened my eyes around me that  the views for young guys and especially bottoms changed , everyone welcomed the idea of body hair and more local looking faces and more importantly most of them wanted to settle down with "The one" , as I remember my teenage years and the struggle of my love life it got me surprised how time and people perspective change  all of a sudden ! , even though most of them were actually into one night stands but I didn't care , now I don't have to fit in and I just can be me , it made me have friends and for once it wasn't about body types at all . I was happy .

I was called sexy ! Imagine that ! me ! sexy ! it really boosted my confident up to the skies !

as I'm writing down this and remembering the things I did for the sake of fitting in , it all felt a little bitter  , I think it's my poor of awareness and judgment that made me change,  what I thought it was a curse but on the contrary it made me special , just to fit into the eyes of guys who aren't really into who I am , change is good but there has to be limits when it comes to the way you actually look , I was trying to draw the attention from the wrong crowd while there were other crowed cheering for me to be as me as I can be .

as heartwarming as it sounds it made me more creative , more self comfortable to the point of self satisfaction that I am sexy without the need of hearing it from other people and that I am lovable , it sounds cheesy but it meant a lot for me to reach to that point which I never knew I would reach ,this is who I am and I love who I am ,  now every time I look at the mirror or my phone's front camera I see myself as good looking hot mess guy 😂  and I'm sure you look as sexy too hot reader 😉 . 

Vulnerable

      Being vulnerable is hard , it's like giving the others your weak points and expose every dark spot you constantly tried to hide in your life to someone else , but in the same time , I love being vulnerable , it creates deeper connection with your partner or a friend , which something I think everyone should have , from what I learned living as introvert , you should always have someone to talk to , being alone is too lonely to the unbearable point , thanks to social anxiety , this isn't easy to surpass it , 3 days ago , I sat down with my dearest guy M , he told me that he always talk and share everything with me but , I don't , he asked me why am I not being more open ? , I didn't know what to reply , I've always been this listener because I believe the more I listen to people the more I learn from their experience , I think that what made me weak in expressing myself whenever I have something I want to talk about , I told him it's not personal at all , It's just me being me , too introvert to function 😅 ,  with my past filled with social anxiety in school and life events , made me feel it's better just not talk to people about me and listen to them to make friends :) , being social wasn't my strong suit , when there is a party going on or a social event , I lean away from it , even when I gather my courage and decide that I'm gonna enter and be social and meet new people , I have inside screams and run away 😅😂 , but I can justify that ! , the concept of partying isn't for me , I think I'm selective in these issues and love to surround myself with people that I like only  ,but still sometimes you feel that you have to do so and face your social fears and just go for it ,just like an adventure ! , what helped me the most that these people gonna see me only once and they gonna forget all about me the next day , so it's all good ! , it's a new idea of mine which it's going to pave the way for me to start to be vulnerable and open up to the ones that I love , I know it may will have some draw backs for me especially in a community like the enclosed LGBT where you can get under a magnifying glass and get judged , although i think it's freeing to be open and as weird as i can freely be , who knows ? it can save me days from overthinking about my insecurities and just be me :) .

also I wanna thank  https://www.facebook.com/MeeM82/  for creating such painting ! check his page out ! for art lovers :) 

What Makes them Beautiful .

ever since I started to get out of my shell and decided to meet new people around Amman , I met a nice guy through grindr app , We started to hang out more and more , to the point where I got to meet his friends , one of the late nights when there was the 3 of us , and we had this discussion about types of people we went out with in the past , "H" said he only went out with 1 type of men , muscular, older , bearded and only foreign , he mentioned that he likes to keep his "record clean " , "M" preferred older guys with big chest , they both never dated outside of this type because they explained they never take interest of any other , which i respectably understand , for me  , when I look back to my past relationships trail , I found them varied , I know everyone has this one type that makes him like Mr.Perfect in every gay guy's mind , I have that as well , but It was funny how was my own "record " was versatile (in a body figure way)  , I dated the twink , the bear , the dark skinned , the light skinned , the muscular , the older , I couldn't figure out what was the thing those guys had in common , tunes out , the way they talked to me , their manner , their character overall , I think it's something that is beyond the looks for me , "H" thought it's too cheesy to think of it this way , he was convinced that any gay relationship is based on how someone is hot , the way they dress , the way their body is build , nothing to do with the character . that's why in reality , most relationships are open ones .
I understand that most of the guys can be as open minded about that , for me I don't think I can see that in the long run , I am hopeless romantic and I'm ok with it , so I don't think relationships should be always based on the perfect look of the guy , it sounds to me more of lust that an actual love relationship , What I learned is I should see everyone with my own eyes and my own heart , to me everyone has his own handsomeness and look ,  the way people look is like a vessel to me , what lies beneath is the important part , the character , the soul ,  once you find that someone , he will be the sexiest guy you ever been with , because your heart will be attracted to him , no matter how he look , a twink , a bear , a muscular, older or younger , even when you used to set your mind on one type and that's who you think you will want him as your boyfriend and no other , it wont matter , be with the person who you think you can stay with him under the same roof without thinking you made the bad decision , someone who you can be as awkward and he can be as understanding , even when you play too much video game 😇"gaymer here " , that's what I think what makes them beautiful .